Maeve: Everybody knows it isn’t real unless it’s spontaneous, right? So, if he wants a quickie in the kitchen, she knows he desires her. If she gives him “that” look before she slips into the shower, that’s his cue that she is ready for play. He knows he is desirable. They still have “it”, the passion is still hot.
We normally hear that this “honeymoon phase” runs out somewhere between a year and a half to two years, and the “same old” kicks in. People just expect it. Well, it doesn’t have to!
Calinda: Maeve, I know that’s what kept me on “the hunt” so long. My relationships would be awesome and then the passion would peter out. I didn’t know how to generate it except to cut and run and love someone else! It sounds like you are saying that sometimes you have to make an actual date and see what happens, as in, show up without an agenda, right?
Maeve: Right. Just imagine this: the two of you have set Saturday as your special time together. You draw a line through the entire day in your appointment book. This is your “time out of time,” a space to drop into yourselves as a romantic, loving couple, apart from the normal calls of everyday life. You don’t wait till after dinner and a movie, when you are too full and too tired. No, you want to be fully present and alive for this most intimate and precious connection.
Our date actually began one week earlier, when we picked the time together. Each of us began to anticipate our special time together. Perhaps we fantasize about some juicy play we want to share or receive. We think of ways to decorate the space, to enhance intimacy with beauty. we look forward to connecting with the sweet, deep intimacy that is us.
Both of us leave sweet notes for each other, flirt and remind each other that our special time is coming. We call all of this foreplay! It’s a whole new paradigm for romance.
Saturday finally arrives. Orv and I spend hours preparing, making the space beautiful with flowers and candles, grooming ourselves and each other. This is transition time into our “time outside time.” Since we work together, it takes several hours to let go of the “real world” and move into the world of just us.
Our hot tub used to be a favorite transition space. Now we take walks, sit outside in nature, or take a paddle boat ride if we are on our Houseboat, on the Lake.
We have an agreement not to talk about business or any matters which would take us out of the moment. We use acknowledgements to connect hearts and to let each other know we are seen and appreciated.
And, most important, we let go of agendas. Of course, we look forward to a sensual connection, but, we never know where the time will take us. One of our most precious dates was on a snowy evening, with candles lighting the room. It had been a very stressful time for us. All I did was cry, and Orv held me.
Calinda: That sounds really beautiful, Maeve. We make dates sometimes, too. I notice, though, if we make them too far in advance, I feel “pressured” and the whole thing starts to feel like an agenda to me. Thoughts will arise like “What if I don’t WANT to have a date on Thursday night? I find, for me, I need a little wiggle room to feel safe and free. Thankfully, my honey-pie and I have an agreement that says “If you don’t want to do something, DON’T.” TOSP is insistent that intimacy always be wanted and craved, never forced or done because we feel we “should.” We always have a no pressure card such that if the date can’t happen on the night we planned, we just roll with it. Then what usually happens is we make something happen soon thereafter!
Every couple is different. The important thing is that you find ways to keep the passion alive and well. I like to surprise TOSP with the unexpected. We get into our daily routines so much that me coming up to him and saying, “Wanna play?” usually results in instant arousal and fun for all. I guess you’d call that more of an Insta-Date, right, Maeve?
Maeve: Of course there is nothing wrong with a “quickie” and spontaneous sex, Calinda. They’re great when they happen. Just don’t wait for that to happen, and judge yourself poorly because it doesn’t. Life can and will take over unless you make yourselves a priority.
Remember when you first started courting, you made dates and picked the days and times when you would get together? Well, keep up the courtship, and your relationship will flourish.
Maeve works with her husband Orv Fry in Grass Valley California, educating people on how to have better relationships. With over 15 years working together as a couple, they model what they teach! Believing that the most effective work is through experience, skill, compassion and transparency, they reveal their individual experiences and growth in a vulnerable, yet powerful manner. They do Individual and Couple Sessions, Individual and Couples Instructional Intensives, and Sex Education Sessions. These may be in person, on Skype or on the phone. To find out more visit www.ignitersoftheheart.com.
Calinda B is the author of the highly successful Wicked Series, an erotic paranormal romance series. She weaves her own courage, learning and relational wisdom into her entertaining paranormal reads with skill and magic. To find out more or to buy the books, visit www.calindab.com.